


orchid child

by plinth_of_life



Series: among the wildflowers [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Future, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinth_of_life/pseuds/plinth_of_life
Summary: Phil Lester didn't know what he expected when he and Dan decided to become parents but it certainly wasn't this.Or, a journey through parenthood in several parts.A sequel to "baby bluebird"
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: among the wildflowers [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853197
Comments: 20
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> though this story takes place in the same universe as "baby bluebird", you do not have to have read that fic to understand this one. however, they are linked and I recommend you read that before diving into this one :)

Phil’s thumb hovered over the unread voicemail. Opening it would decide the fate of their life as he and Dan knew it, and both were hesitantly hoping for the best.

“You ready?” Dan asked softly, looking at Phil with a small smile.

They were sitting side by side on the sofa, Phil’s head resting on Dan’s shoulder, their hands intertwined.

“No…” Phil grumbled and buried his head in the crook of Dan’s neck.

Dan chuckled and took Phil’s phone from his trembling hand.

“Do you want me to open it?”

“Yeah…” Phil mumbled, still hiding his face in his husband’s jumper.

Both men sharply inhaled as the voicemail began to play.

_ “Good afternoon, Mr. Lester. This is Dr. Friedman calling from New Hope Fertility with the results from your most recent IVF cycle.” _

“Yeah, yeah, get on with it, doc,” Phil muttered impatiently.

But in the next moment, Phil immediately regretted being so impatient. As the doctor uttered the word “ _ unfortunately” _ , he knew the news would not be what they hoped.

He stopped the voicemail after “... _ not pregnant” _ , unable to take anymore of the doctor’s hollow sympathies.

Phil chucked his phone to the other end of the couch and crumpled into Dan’s open arms, tears flooding his eyes immediately.

“They really should stop saying ‘third time’s the charm’,” he blubbered, wiping his face on Dan’s jumper.

He felt those familiar, strong arms embrace him, holding him close. He could faintly hear the sounds of Dan’s own soft cries over his heart that beat against Phil’s ear.

“Yeah, people who say that should shut the fuck up,” Dan chuckled darkly.

Phil hummed and lay back on the sofa, prompting Dan to do the same. Soon, both men were sprawled out, their long legs tangled together, holding each other in the quiet lounge, the only sounds being their occasional sniffles and sobs.

…

Phil awoke to the sound of Dan’s phone buzzing in his pocket. He turned his head and, through his bleary vision, saw no sign of his husband being awake. Phil rolled his eyes and pulled Dan’s phone out of the pocket of his jeans, a chill running down his spine when he saw who the caller was.

“ _ Dan! _ Dan, wake up! It’s St. John’s calling.”

Dan slowly opened his eyes and squinted at Phil with a concerned expression.

“Oh  _ god _ , this can’t be good…” Dan grumbled, reaching for his phone and swiping at the screen to pick up the call.

“Yes, this is he… Right now? … Not a problem, my husband and I will be there straight away… Yep, have a good one, buh-bye.”

Phil dropped his head into his hands and groaned.

“Come on, we better see what our kiddo got into this time,” Dan said curtly upon hanging up the phone. He grabbed Phil’s hand and dragged him off the couch. 

After freshening themselves up to look less like they had been crying and sleeping for the past hour, they headed to the car and took off towards the pre-school to see whatever trouble was waiting for them there.

…

_ “Scissors?” _

“That’s correct, Mr. Lester.”

“Is the other kid alright? Did he do anything to provoke her?” Dan chimed in, hand squeezing Phil’s with a vice-like grip.

“Michael didn’t get hurt at all and, according to what he told Miss Glendale, he did nothing to warrant Jameson’s aggressive reaction,” the headmaster replied, tucking a strand of grey hair behind her ear. She regarded both fathers with a taut but sympathetic smile. “We have yet to hear from Jameson about what happened as she’s been… less cooperative.”

“Well, if you haven’t heard from her, how do you know the scissors were aimed at Michael, Ms. Price? Jamie does have a tendency to… lash out when she gets frustrated but we’ve never seen her do anything violent like that at home.”

Phil shifted in his seat as he spoke, frustrated by this whole debacle to the point where he just wanted to retrieve their daughter and go home. His jaw clenched at the thought of her being stuck with the school counselor, scared and needing comfort and probably so overwhelmed by all the interrogation being thrown her way.

“We cannot be certain since, as I stated previously, Miss Glendale did not witness the incident. However, when asking Michael about what happened, he told us Jameson was looking straight at him and screaming when she threw the scissors. They were open, too.”

Phil heard a grumble and glanced to his right, seeing Dan pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes transfixed on the ceiling.

“That little shit wouldn’t have told you he had done anything to provoke her, though.”

“ _ Dan! _ ” Phil gently slapped his husband on the knee.

Ms. Price cleared her throat and gave Dan a sour look.

“It’s just that we know our daughter better than you do, Ms. Price, and I can’t understand why she would lash out unless some little bastard said or did something to offend her.”

“What my husband is trying to say, Ms. Price—” Phil interjected.

“No, I understand Mr. Howell loud and clear, Mr. Lester. However, based on both this incident and Jameson’s previous violent outburst, we believe for the safety of our other students, she will need to be put on a two-week suspension. When she returns, it will be for a month-long probationary period where, if anything like this happens again, she will not be allowed to continue being enrolled at this school.”

“Unbelievable…” Dan huffed as he rose from his chair.

“We understand, Ms. Price. Thanks for your time,” Phil replied curtly, placing a hand on Dan’s back and guiding him out of the office before they could get in any more trouble.

Upon opening the office door and stepping out into the hallway, Phil caught sight of Jamie, sulking on the bench next to the counselor’s office, her arms crossed and bottom lip jutted out. He could tell from the red blotches on her face that she had just been crying.

“Hi, kiddo,” Phil whispered to her, waving to get her attention.

Jamie raised her head and her dark brown eyes lit up at the sight of her two fathers.

“Papa! Daddy!” she squealed, jumping off the bench and running towards them. She put one arm around Dan’s leg and the other around Phil’s, burying her face in her dads’ jeans.

Dan gently picked her up, hugging her to his chest. Phil wiped away a few of her stray tears with his thumb and planted a kiss on her head.

“Let’s get you home, darling,” Dan murmured softly, gently bouncing her as they trekked back to the car.

…

The ride home was quiet. Phil sat in the backseat next to Jamie, as he always did when she needed comfort while on the road. He ran one hand through her tangled mess of reddish brown curls and held onto her little hand with the other, squeezing it gently to remind her he was there.

Dan had put on some calm folk music and was humming along as he drove. Neither he nor Phil felt the need to talk right now, thinking it better to let Jamie settle herself the best she could after all the chaos of the day.

…

“Are you mad at me?”

Phil looked up at Dan with widened eyes in response to Jamie’s question.

“No, sweetheart…” Dan replied softly. “We just want to know what happened, yeah? As you saw it.”

The three of them were on the sofa. Dan sat behind Jamie, spritzing her hair with water and gently working his fingers through the tangled curls. Phil sat in front of her, with Dewey in between them. Petting him seemed to calm her, though Phil could still see the sadness in her eyes.

“I got in trouble, Daddy. Dat’s it.”

“Sweetie, we’re not punishing you right now, okay? Can you just tell us what happened between you and Michael?” Phil asked, looking his daughter in the eyes.

Jamie let out a resigned little sigh.

“Well… I was drawin’ all by myself… den Michael sat at my table and…” she sniffled. “He… he said ‘You don’t have a mummy, do you?’ and I said ‘No! I have a daddy and a papa!’”

Phil smiled a little at that remark. Jamie had always made the fact that she had two dads a point of pride.

“But den…” she continued, her soft voice breaking slightly. “den he said ‘You so crazy. Dat’s ‘cause you don’t have a mummy.’”

Jamie’s bottom lip began to quiver and her face scrunched up with anger.

“So… I got angry. Really, really angry. And I frew the skissors on the ground but den, Michael was yellin’. He yell ‘Jamie’s attackin’ me! Help! Help! Help!’ But… but I DIDN’T. I didn’t wanna hurt him! I just so angry! But Miss Glendale… she tell me I wasn’t bein’ nice and was gonna hafta go home.”

At this point, Jamie was speaking through quick, hurried breaths, sniffling and sobbing, her face becoming even more pink and blotchy.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s alright, baby,” Phil soothed. He was quick to scoop her up in his arms and rock her back and forth in his hold. Dan rubbed her back and wrapped an arm around Phil, sandwiching her in a hug. He whispered softly into her still-tangled curls.

“We’ve got you, little bird. We always got you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm going to try my best to upload this fic on Sundays from now on, but I may upload chapters a little earlier since I have a pretty big backlog and I'm really excited to move this story along! you can subscribe to this fic or follow me on tumblr for updates on when new chapters are added :)

Phil was admittedly terrified about the weeks ahead. Having a child home all day every day was one thing, but that child being Jamie specifically was quite another. Instead of spending a little less time on work than usual, both men would have to basically take those two weeks off to look after their daughter and monitor her behaviour.

“Are you sure we can’t get a nanny?” Phil had asked that evening, lying in bed next to Dan. He had a book in his hands but after reading the same sentence five times over, he realised there was no way he could get his mind to focus on anything else but the matter at hand.

“Phil.” Dan looked up incredulously at Phil from where he was lying on his husband’s chest, absentmindedly scrolling through Twitter. “You do remember the last time we tried to get a nanny, don’t you?”

The memories of that incident quickly resurfaced in Phil’s mind. Dan was in Wokingham visiting family on short notice and Phil had been at a formal dinner with his publishing company. He remembered getting a call in the middle of the meeting and awkwardly cutting things short to go home and see what was wrong. He found their new nanny, the third in a series of caretakers that had all promptly quit, in his daughter’s room, trying to get a kicking and screaming Jamie into her pyjamas. There were books and barrettes scattered all over the floor, the usual debris left over from the little girl’s wild temper tantrums. The nanny seemed to be on the brink of tears, yelling at Jamie to do as she was told. It wasn’t until Phil stepped in and got on Jamie’s level, placing his hands firmly on her shoulders and pulling her in for a hug once she stopped flailing wildly about that she began to calm down. Instead of networking with publishing execs, he spent the evening comforting Jamie and quietly cleaning up her room when she finally fell asleep.

“Ok, scratch that idea,” Phil muttered, placing his book on the nightstand.

He felt Dan shuffle into a spooning position behind him, his arms wrapping around Phil’s waist and his curls brushing against Phil’s neck. They cuddled in silence for a while, basking in each other’s presence after a strenuous day.

… 

“Do you think we can handle having another kid?” 

Phil rolled over to face Dan, looking at him quizzically.

“I don’t know if we’ll ever really be ready,” Phil spoke softly, running his finger along Dan’s cheekbone. “but I thought we agreed this would be as good a time as any.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s a good time now though, Phil.”

Phil sighed and turned to lie on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“I dunno… I kept hoping things would get easier as she got older. I thought maybe she’d grow out of… whatever it is that she’s going through.”

“Well, she hasn’t, love. And who knows when, or if, she will. I don’t want our next kid to feel neglected ‘cause of that.”

Dan flopped on his stomach, laying partially on top of his husband. Phil looked into those big brown eyes, so similar to those of their daughter, with a dejected expression.

“You do still… want to have another baby though, don’t you, Dan? Even with my shitty sperm?”

Dan chuckled softly and pecked Phil on the cheek.

“Yes, of course. We just need to get Jamie to a better place first.” He swung a leg over Phil and straddled him. “And your sperm’s not shitty, this stuff just takes a while. We got lucky the first time around.”

Dan shifted his weight and his eyes widened as he brushed against the slight stiffness of Phil’s crotch.

“Did me saying ‘get lucky’ do it for you, old man?” Dan snickered. Phil’s face reddened in response.

“Maybe… I think all this talk about making babies just gets me going,” he murmured, trying to lower his voice a little in an attempt to sound sexy. It had been quite a while since they found the opportunity to do anything beyond a quick session in the shower every now and then.

Dan rolled his eyes fondly and leaned in to kiss Phil, slowly and softly. His hands roamed around Phil’s body, down his neck, across his chest, finally, teasingly, arriving at their destination…

“Papa? Daddy?”

Phil just about threw Dan off of him and onto the other side of the bed at the sound of their daughter’s soft, quiet voice.

She was peeking into the bedroom, her left hand still grasping the doorknob above her head. With her right arm, she held tightly on to Teddy, her beloved bear that once belonged to Dan. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Dan asked gently, rising from the bed and walking up to where Jamie was standing. Phil thought it best to stay under the covers for now.

“Scary dream, Daddy…” Jamie whimpered, now hugging Teddy with both arms.

Dan looked back at Phil with a pout, one Phil certainly knew the meaning of. Ever since she transitioned out of her crib, Jamie suffered from frequent nightmares, usually bad enough to need comfort from her dads before she could go back to sleep. Sometimes, she ended up in her own bed for the rest of the night but often, Dan could persuade Phil into letting her sleep in their bed, usually needing only that pouty look to do it.

“Come here, love,” Dan murmured as he picked her up and carried her over to their bed.

He set her down next to Phil and she was quick to snuggle up to him, curling into his side. Phil let out a resigned sigh, put his arm around her, and pressed a kiss into her unruly curls.

Dan climbed in next to them, propping himself up on an elbow and slinging an arm around the two of them.

“What happened in your nightmare, baby?” Phil asked his daughter.

Jamie grumbled and looked up at Phil with big, sad eyes.

“Papa, it was so scary… All these kids were screamin’ an’ frowin’ skissors at me an— an— an’ you an’ Daddy were dere so I tried runnin’... But den, I got lost an’ I couldn’t f— find you, an— an—”

As Jamie began to hyperventilate, Phil held her to his chest and began rhythmically rubbing her back, giving Dan a concerned yet familiar look to signal it would be another one of these nights. Dan ran a hand through her hair and softly shushed her as Phil spoke. 

“That does sound really scary, sweetie, but right now, Daddy and I just need you to take some good deep breaths for us, okay?”

Jamie nodded, still rapidly gulping down air.

Dan got up from the bed to turn on their white noise machine while Phil helped Jamie roll onto her back. As the room filled with the sound of gentle ocean waves, Dan kneeled on the floor next to the bed and grabbed onto Jamie’s hand, giving rhythmic and reassuring squeezes.

“Let’s put Teddy on your belly…” Phil prompted, waiting for Jamie to rest the stuffed bear on top of her. “Okay, as I count to four, use your belly to bring Teddy _up_ …”

Phil slowly began counting and Dan squeezed Jamie’s hand to the rhythm, trying to get her to inhale as slowly as she could. While her breaths were still shaky and shallow, she managed to make the bear rise a little on her stomach.

“You’re doing great, Jamie,” Dan gently reassured her.

“Now we’re going to bring Teddy back _down_ as I count back to one…” Phil continued.

They repeated the process over and over, one they learned months ago when Jamie first started having anxiety attacks. As much as Phil wished they knew how to take away whatever it was that sent her into this state, he knew all he and Dan could do in this moment was help their daughter inhale and exhale as slowly as she could until she no longer heaved through each breath.

“You did so good, sweetheart,” Phil told her, kissing her on the forehead.

Jamie yawned and curled up to Phil again, batting her long eyelashes at him.

“Papa…” she murmured.

Phil looked over to Dan, who had now settled back into bed, with a knowing smirk.

“I don’t wanna lose you again… m’scared. Please lemme stay with you an’ Daddy? Please, Papa?”

Dan pouted at Phil again and nudged him with his foot. Phil grumbled and sat up in bed.

“That was just a dream, baby. You’re not going to lose either of us, I promise, but we should get you back in your big girl bed. Daddy and I will even read you another story if you want,” Phil ran his hand through his daughter’s hair, biting his lip and hoping his coaxing would be effective.

“Don’t wanna…” she murmured, turning her back to Phil and burying her head in Dan’s shirt.

“ _Let her sleep_ ,” Dan mouthed to Phil, who rolled his eyes and nodded compliantly. She’d had a hard enough day already, he reckoned.

So, Phil got up to turn the ceiling light off and plug in the unicorn night light they kept in their room for nights like this. Carefully, he padded back to bed and climbed back in, wrapping an arm protectively around his little family.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Phil awoke to the sound of his phone vibrating on the nightstand beside him. If it had been anyone else, he would have hung up and let the call go to voicemail. But when he got a call from his mother, Phil always picked up. So, after a little maneuvering out of bed, careful not to wake the two still asleep and cuddled up beside him, he answered the call.

“Hello, child,” the familiar voice chimed in Phil’s ear.

“Hi, mum,” Phil replied groggily, putting on his glasses and heading downstairs.

“How is everything? I do hope you and Dan are ready for my visit next week. You’ve always been a busy couple of lads, haven’t ya?”

Phil froze, one foot hovering above the stair below him, his free hand clutched to the railing.

“Your… visit?”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget, Philip. Remember? I’m coming to spend some time with my granddaughter, you know, the one I haven’t seen in two months…”

Phil continued down the stairs, the realisation of his mum’s visit coming back to him. He chuckled at that masterful passive-aggression of hers that brought the memory back up.

“Of course I didn’t forget, Mum… But yes, Jamie’s very excited to see you.”

“Oh, how is my dear girl doing? Pre-school’s going alright, I hope?”

As he walked into the kitchen, Phil felt a wave of dread fall over him. He was tempted to lie, tell her Jamie was her teacher’s favourite student and all that, and he probably would’ve if his mum had been coming a little later on. But he knew she’d eventually find out. She’d  _ have _ to, seeing as Jamie would be around the house instead of at St. John’s for the time being. Nevertheless, he knew Kath would be disappointed to hear the truth, even if telling it was Phil’s only option.

“Well… um…”

“Good morning, Papa!” Jamie squealed as she ran into the kitchen. Dan ambled behind her with a bright grin.

“Oh! Is that a little voice I hear?” Kath asked excitedly.

“Uh… yeah! D’you want to speak to her?” Phil gulped. Maybe he could just tell her the truth another time.

…

“You seriously didn’t remember your mum was coming?” Dan teased.

The three of them were sat at the table, each person enjoying a different kind of cereal. Dewey was running in circles around the table, scoping out if there was anything he could beg for.

“Hey, there’s been a lot going on lately. Blame Friedman for totally scrambling up my brain.”

“Who’s dat?,” Jamie cocked her head inquisitively.

Dan glared at Phil and kicked him under the table. They had agreed they wouldn’t break the news to Jamie about having another baby until after there was a pregnancy and it was far enough along to be safe to announce. Though she certainly asked from time to time if she’d ever have a baby brother or sister, neither Dan nor Phil wanted to get her hopes up just in case the worst were to happen.

“He’s… Papa’s friend from work. Right, Papa?” Dan coughed pointedly in Phil’s direction.

“Yeah… yep, that he is.” Phil replied, trying his best to be nonchalant.

“Why did he scramble up Papa’s brains?” the young girl asked with an innocence Phil wished she would be able to hold on to forever.

“He, uh… told me a really weird joke… and it got me all confused.”

Luckily, Phil Lester’s ineptitude in lying didn’t get through to the four-year-old.

“What was the joke?”

“Uh… what’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

“...An orange parrot?”

Phil chuckled at his daughter’s earnestness.

“No, it’s a  _ carrot _ !”

Jamie giggled, and laughed even harder when Dan started imitating a parrot, flapping his arms and squawking “Carrot! Carrot! Polly wants a carrot!”

Phil beamed watching his daughter. His favourite thing in the world was to see her smile and he would do anything to take away all the sadness and anger that often took over in her mind.

…

“NO! I’m not goin’ to school so m’not gonna get dressed!”

Phil winced at the sound of his daughter’s screams coming from the next room over. He had been writing his newest manuscript and hoped he could work in peace for at least the rest of the morning. However, after waiting a few moments to see if Jamie’s screams would die down (they did not), he begrudgingly got up from his chair and walked down the hall, peeking into her room.

“Jamie, I know you’re not going to school today but you still gotta get out of your jammies, okay?”

Dan’s voice sounded desperate and shaky. He was holding a little pair of jeans up, hopelessly trying to get his daughter, who was currently stomping around in just her pajama shirt and underwear, to put them on.

“No, Daddy! I don’t wanna!”

“ _ Jameson. _ ”

Phil’s voice bellowed into the room, making Dan and Jamie both look up at him with frustration brewing in their eyes.

“Papa, I don’t gotta get dressed, right?” Jamie asked in a timid voice, feigning innocence effortlessly.

Phil quietly chuckled to himself and shook his head. When one of her dads said no, Jamie would always, without fail, ask the other.

“Nope. You heard what Daddy said. It’s time to get ready for the day, you know the routine.”

Jamie frowned and her eyebrows knitted together. The facade of innocence had been quickly dashed for a different tactic: anger.

“NO! I don’t WANNA do what Daddy said! M’not GONNA!” she shrieked. Before Phil could register what was happening, a tiny shoe came flying at his face as the little girl wailed.

“Jameson Kathryn, that is  _ enough _ !” Dan barked.

The room fell silent. Jamie plopped herself on the floor and her face crumpled, her head drooping towards the floor. Dan looked up at Phil with a stern face but a sympathetic glint in his eyes. Phil’s nose was aching from the impact and he could tell it was close to bleeding. But he knew he couldn’t leave Dan alone in this.

Phil crouched down on Jamie’s level and waited until she was looking at him in the eyes.

“You’re a big girl, James. You know better than to yell and throw things at Daddy and I. We’re going to put you in time out for four minutes and we expect an apology when you’re done. Understood?”

Jamie blinked at Phil through watery eyes but remained silent.

“Jameson, is that understood?”

She slowly nodded and put her head back down, sitting like a floppy ragdoll.

“Go fix yourself up, love. I’ve got her from here.” Dan whispered to his husband as Phil stood up. With quick, calm movements, Dan finally got Jamie dressed then picked her up and began walking to the lounge to place her in the dreaded time-out corner.

…

Phil was sitting on the bed, holding a tissue up to his bleeding nose, when Dan returned from the lounge, looking exhausted after only just starting the day.

“She stay there for you?” Phil asked as Dan sat on the edge of the bed beside him.

“Yeah, she seemed to understand there was no use fighting it. Of course, she’s still got three and a half minutes to go, so we’ll see…”

Phil placed a hand on Dan’s thigh and gave it a squeeze.

“I have a feeling we might have to start looking for new schools,” Dan continued, dropping his head into his hands and groaning.

The two men sat in silence for a moment, then Phil, whose nose seemed to be recovered, threw away his tissue and leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder.

“What if she did aim the scissors at that kid?”

Dan dropped the hands from his face and looked over at Phil.

“I mean, the homophobic little shit still had it coming,” Dan chuckled. “Not to say you deserved a shoe to your face at ten o’clock in the morning.”

“Thanks, Dan,” Phil said sardonically. “But seriously, what if she is being purposefully violent? Maybe she  _ is _ a threat to other kids.”

Dan sighed and stood from the bed.

“She has to go to school, Phil, because all the books say pre-school is the foundation for socioemotional skills—”

Phil got up from the bed and cut Dan off by pulling him into an embrace.

“It’s because it gives us a break from her meltdowns, love,” he retorted.

Dan grumbled into his shoulder.

“We’re terrible parents.”

On cue, Dan’s phone began beeping, signaling the end of time-out. He pulled away from the hug and gave Phil a quick kiss.

“Guess I better fetch the rugrat,” he chuckled.

Phil smiled and flopped back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It only took a few minutes for him to hear little footsteps pitter patter into the bedroom.

Phil sat up to see Jamie, now fully dressed in jeans and a green jumper, timidly approach him, Dan watching from the doorway.

“What do you say, James?” Dan prompted.

“M’sorry for bein’ mean, Papa…” Jamie mumbled, eyes fixed on the carpet, her hands behind her back.

“Come here, baby,” Phil said, bending down and opening up his arms for a hug. Jamie ran towards him and looped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his t-shirt.

“Your daddy and I love you very much, sweetie pie. You know that, right?” he murmured into her hair.

“I love you too, Papa,” Jamie replied, still clinging tightly to Phil.

“I love you three!” Dan chimed in, squatting and wrapping his arms around his husband and daughter. Jamie giggled as both her dads began peppering her face with kisses. 

In that moment, Phil was certain this family he and Dan were creating was one he’d always be able to hold onto, even through all the chaos of their daily lives.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

What was supposed to be nap time for Jamie, an opportunity to give Dan and Phil a break from parenting duties to work and relax, became nap time for her fathers too. Phil had only intended to lie down with Jamie for a few minutes, just enough time to make her feel safe before she could let herself begin falling asleep, something she needed most days now that her nightmares made it hard to believe her unconscious mind was ever a safe place to drift off to. But, only a few moments after Phil settled her into her toddler bed, lying next to her with his legs dangling off the end, she started squirming in her dad’s arms.

“Where’s Daddy? Did he go away? I need Daddy too, Papa,” she whimpered, eyes squeezed shut, arms holding on to her teddy bear for dear life.

“Daddy’s just in the office, sweetie. He’s not gone. Now, let’s just try to sleep—”

Phil was cut off by his daughter’s sobs, muffled by his shirt her head was currently buried in.

“Fine, fine. I will be right back, baby.”

“Daddy too?”

“Yes, sweet pea,” Phil murmured, kissing Jamie on the forehead before just about falling out of her tiny bed, most likely not designed to host a family of three.

…

Phil found Dan in the office as predicted. He was slumped over his desktop, his posture terrible as ever, composing some kind of official looking email.

Phil knocked lightly on the door frame, causing Dan to spin around in his chair.

“What’s up, bub?” Dan asked, picking up the black mug of tea sitting at his desk and taking a sip.

“You’re needed on nap time duty.”

Dan set his tea down with a huff.

“ _ Phil _ . She has to learn how to sleep on her own at some point.”

“And who’s the one letting her sleep in our bed whenever she has a nightmare?”

“...Touche.”

…

As much as Phil didn’t expect he’d wake up in his daughter’s room, sandwiched between his husband, even lankier and less fit for this bed than he was, and his daughter, the only one of the three who was the perfect size for it, he certainly didn’t expect to be woken up by a phone call for the second time that day. He really needed to put his phone on silent.

Shimmying out from where he had been lodged was no easy feat, but he managed to grab his phone and sneak out of Jamie’s room without creating a disturbance. Stepping into the hallway, he furrowed his brow at the unknown number. He didn’t typically pick up these kinds of calls; often they were either spam or fans who somehow found his number. So, he dismissed it and went downstairs to start working on lunch.

He had only been able to lay out six slices of bread for sandwiches when his phone rang again. The call was coming from the same unknown number. Phil, though he had always despised talking to strangers on the phone, thought it best to pick up.

“Is this Mr. or Mrs. Howell… Lester?”

Phil snickered as he opened the fridge in search of sandwich ingredients.

“Uh… just Lester, actually. Or, well, you can call me Phil. Who is this?”

He began assembling the sandwiches as he spoke. He expected everyone would be happy with their usual orders: a grilled cheese for Jamie, her favourite, a BLT with tempeh bacon for Dan, currently on another health kick, and a peanut butter and jelly for Phil, simple and all he was really in the mood for at the moment.

“Hello, Phil. This is Margaret Clarke. My son is Michael, your daughter’s… erm… former classmate at St. John’s.”

Phil had the urge to hang up immediately. Based on what he remembered from the informational meetings and assemblies he and Dan had attended at St. John’s, he wasn’t a big fan of the other parents. It was an expensive school, one of the best in London in fact, a place where he and his husband didn’t exactly fit in. Sure, they were well-off but their money came from making weird videos on the Internet, not inheriting anything from a wealthy baron or working at an investment bank. Though he hadn’t spent much time talking to any of them, he had the sense they weren’t the most down-to-earth of people.

“I assume you and your wife have been filled in on the… incident the other day, hm?” Margaret continued.

Phil held back a snort.

“My— my husband, actually. And yes, we spoke to Ms. Price about what happened and we’ve talked about it with our daughter.”

Margaret took a pause before speaking.

“Your… husband, Mr. Lester?”

“...yes? And you can just call me Phi—”

“Oh, why should I be surprised? A young girl who physically assaults another child clearly has been raised with no maternal influence.”

Phil dropped the butter knife in his hand. Its clank against the tile floor echoed across the kitchen.

“Excuse me?” he asked, more timidly than he had wanted to sound.

“Assuming you are… both fathers to the girl…”

Phil could just about hear the air quotes around  _ both _ .

“We are, and have been since the day she was born,” he retorted sternly.

Margaret let out an exasperated sigh.

“...then it stands to reason your daughter wouldn’t know any better than to attack my son. My intention to call was just to make sure we had both sides of the story straightened out but it seems everything is clear to me now.”

At this point, Phil had abandoned the sandwiches in favor of angrily pacing in circles around the kitchen island. The volume at which he spoke was beginning to raise beyond what Jamie would probably consider an “indoor voice”.

“Well, Margaret, you simply don’t have both sides of the story since it doesn’t seem you know that your son told our daughter the exact same homophobic  _ shit  _ that you seem so keen to dispense!”

The line went silent. Phil’s hands shook as he looked up from the floor. There, standing at the bottom of the staircase, was Dan, staring at Phil with a look of horror, and Jamie, looking shaken.

“Let’s go back upstairs, baby,” he heard Dan whisper, picking their daughter up without taking his eyes off of Phil. He shook his head and disappeared out of sight, carrying Jamie back to her room where Phil could hear her cries start to echo from.

“I’ll be keeping in touch with you and your… husband, Mr. Lester. Ms. Price will certainly be hearing about this conversation.”

Margaret hung up and Phil promptly sank to the ground. His head fell into his hands and he wished his entire body could fall through the kitchen floor right then and there.

…

“Get up, Phil. It’s lunchtime.”

Phil peeked up at Dan through the cracks between his fingers. He meekly stood up and walked to the breakfast bar, taking a seat and drooping over the marble island. Dan picked up where he left off, placing ingredients on each slice of bread and heating up butter in a pan to prepare for grilling. He worked in silence, not even giving Phil a glance.

“Where’s James?” Phil asked. The silence had been starting to make him tense.

“She’s playing in her room. Needed some time to calm down after…”

Phil could fill in the blank.

“Did I scare her?”

Dan paused, his hand buttering the bread frozen in place.

“She… she wasn’t sure what you were talking about, but she thought maybe you were going to start yelling at her.”

“Well, that wasn’t my intention—”

“But you know she’s sensitive to loud noises—”

“I  _ know _ , Dan. I’m her  _ father _ , for Christ’s sake.”

Dan huffed and turned his back to Phil, continuing to assemble the sandwiches. He placed the grilled cheese on the pan and started slicing tempeh as it cooked.

“Do you even want to know who I was talking to?”

“ _ Do _ I want to know?” Dan grumbled.

Phil groaned and rubbed at his eyes. He wasn’t quite sure if today would ever end.

“Michael’s mother called me.”

“Michael… as in…”

“ _ The _ Michael. His mother did not seem very pleased with the situation and even less so when she figured out there’s no Mrs. Howell-Lester.”

“Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?”

Phil sighed and got up from the barstool, walking over to the stove and wrapping his arms around his husband’s waist.

“You forgive me?” he murmured against Dan’s skin.

Dan chuckled and glanced back at Phil’s head resting on his shoulder. Phil pouted his bottom lip and Dan rolled his eyes, turning back to the stove to flip the grilled cheese.

“For defending our family against homophobes? I suppose…”

Phil lightly slapped Dan on the bum.

“You suppose?”

“Yeah, you get a little credit, Lester. But you should probably have a chat with your daughter before you slap my ass again.” Dan quipped, pointing the spatula at Phil.

Phil kissed Dan on the cheek and muttered his agreement in his ear. He was sure to give Dan’s ass one more pat before he headed upstairs.

…

“Hey, little bird,” Phil said softly as he knocked on Jamie’s door. “Can I come in?”

He heard a quiet little  _ mmhmm _ and opened the door, finding Jamie kneeling in front of her dollhouse.

Phil sat down on her tiny bed and watched her for a few moments. She continued to play, waving around the plastic dolls clenched in her chubby little hands and murmuring some kind of story to herself, seemingly unaware of her father’s presence.

“James?”

Jamie turned around to look at Phil inquisitively. She dropped the dolls in her hands and plopped on the ground in front of her father.

“Look, I’m really sorry that you had to hear me yelling earlier. I had just gotten a phone call and was getting kinda angry.”

The little girl cocked her head but said nothing.

“But I’m not angry now and I’m not going to yell at you, I promise. I am really sorry if I scared you though, sweetheart.”

“You… You’re not gonna keep yellin’?”

Phil shook his head and sat down on the floor next to his daughter.

“Nope. I’d like to give my little birdie a hug though, if that would be alright with her.”

Jamie giggled and fell into her father’s arms. Phil held her close, close enough that he hoped she could feel safe, in his arms and always.


	5. Chapter 5

The long, tiring day had almost come to a close. Phil was giving Jamie a bath before bedtime while Dan washed dishes downstairs. It was almost as if everything was the same as it always was.

... _ Almost. _

“Papa, why don’t I have a mummy?”

Phil would’ve pinched himself in that moment, if not for the fact that he was in the middle of lathering his daughter’s hair. After all that the last few days had brought him, he was beginning to think this was all some nightmarish anxiety dream.

“Uh… well, sweetie, you don’t have a mummy because… because you have a daddy and a papa, remember?”

Jamie glared up at Phil with an expression he would’ve found adorable if not given the current circumstances.

“I know dat! But  _ why _ do I have a papa an’ not a mummy?”

Phil groaned and looked up at the ceiling. He and Dan knew this moment would come eventually; they had talked about what they would say but neither of them were fully prepared to actually deal with it when it finally came along.

“Um, well… ” Phil cleared his throat and started rubbing soap up and down Jamie’s arms. “Daddy and I fell in love a long time ago. And sometimes, when people fall in love, they want to have a baby together. A baby can have a daddy and a mummy or a mummy and a mama or a daddy and a papa so—”

“But all the kids I know have mummies and I don’t… Dat’s why dey’re not nice to me,” Jamie murmured, sulking in the bath and frowning down at the soapy water.

Phil sighed and started rinsing her off, figuring it best to get her out of the bath as soon as he could to comfort and calm her.

“Jamie, honey, is this about what Michael said?”

The little girl simply kept her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth closed in a tight line as the water washed away the soap from her hair and body. When Phil picked her up and wrapped her in a towel, she clung close to him, her little hands gripping the collar of his jumper.

…

“I wish I had a mummy, not a papa…”

Phil looked down at his daughter, now in a set of dinosaur pyjamas, sitting in his lap with her head on his chest, glumly staring at the picture book in Phil’s hands.

He wanted to scold her. He wanted to make her take back those words or at least pretend she never said them. He wanted her to apologise for the way his heart was beginning to splinter into a million different pieces.

But Phil knew she did nothing wrong. She was four and had a brain she couldn’t understand and was born with far more emotion and sensitivity than any child deserves. Of course, the most obviously different part about her life would stand out to her as the reason why she was how she was. But, that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.

“James…”

He tried holding her closer but she started resisting his touch. She squirmed and kicked and whined until he let her get off his lap and she curled up in a ball on the floor as soon as Phil let her go.

“Not fair, Papa! S’not fair!” she cried, rolling back and forth on her bedroom rug. Her freshly washed curls were starting to get matted and tangled together as she wailed.

“Jameson, get up, sweetheart…” Phil muttered as gently as he could. He hoped Dan had enough sixth dad sense to know he needed help.

“No! Don’t want you, Papa! NO!” she screamed and kicked her feet in the air, her face turning as red as a tomato.

Phil sighed and kneeled in front of his distressed daughter.

“Jamie, I understand that it can be hard to be different from the other kids at school but Daddy and I love you just as much as those kids’ parents love them, yeah?”

Phil’s logic didn’t seem to get through to Jamie in the state she was in. Instead, she rolled around until she could get back on her feet and started heading for her bedroom door.

“NO! I hate you, Papa! I HATE you!” Jamie screeched as she ran out of her room, faster than Phil could keep up with.

Maybe if she hadn’t said what she did, Phil would have been able to catch her. Maybe if he didn’t feel like a complete failure of a father at that moment, he’d have the strength to run after her. But he just couldn’t.

“Jamie, stop running, sweetie…” he pleaded, watching the little girl scurry down the hallway.

“NOOOO!” she screamed, running towards the staircase.

Phil’s heart beat fast and loud in his chest as he saw his little girl charge toward the stairs. He was too far from her at this point to catch her but if he didn’t stop her…

All of a sudden, Jamie went from sprinting across the floor to flailing in the air. It took a second for Phil to realise she wasn’t floating; Dan had appeared, holding her in his arms as she continued to kick and scream.

He gave Phil a stern look and somehow carried the distraught girl back to her room. Phil was frozen in place, his mouth slightly open as he watched Dan silently lay Jamie down on her bed and rest a gentle hand on her chest.

“I’m here, baby. Daddy’s here,” he heard Dan whisper as he rubbed Jamie’s tummy with one hand and softly brushed her hair away from her face with the other.

Watching his husband calm their daughter reminded Phil so vividly of moments not so different from this years ago. He recalled when Jamie was just a little baby, only about six months old. She had just started teething and couldn’t help but wake her dads up every night to comfort her and take away the pain. Phil could remember Dan sitting in the rocking chair, cradling her in his arms, rubbing her back and pressing kisses to her head, then only covered with a light layer of wavy peach fuzz. Phil would kneel next to them, rubbing his daughter’s tiny foot and softly singing her favourite lullaby.

_ “Blue skies smiling at me… Nothing but blue skies do I see…” _

Dan looked up at the sound of Phil’s voice and gave him a soft smile. Phil, finally re-entering the room, sat down next to his daughter, now much bigger but still so much like the little baby he once knew.

_ “Bluebirds singing a song… Nothing but blue skies from now on.” _

Dan had joined in at this point, trying his best to harmonize. Neither of them had much of a talent for singing, but this song was rehearsed enough times for them to do a fair job.

It seemed to work, as Jamie’s screams had subsided and her movements were less violent, though she still squirmed under Dan’s hand and rubbed at her crying eyes with balled up fists.

_ “Never saw the sun shining so bright, never saw things going so right. Noticing the days hurrying by. When you’re in love, my how they fly.” _

Phil took hold of Jamie’s hand at that line, giving it a squeeze. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek, making her look up at him from behind her little hands.

_ “Blue days, all of them gone. Nothing but blue skies from now on.” _

As the song ended, Jamie, tears still falling down her cheeks, made grabby hands up at Phil. He smiled and lifted her from the bed, holding her in his arms.

“Don’t cry, little one, you’ll be okay,” he whispered into her ear. She simply gripped him tighter and buried her wet little face in his shoulder.

Dan reached out to rub her back and looked at Phil with a small, sympathetic smile.

They sat like that for almost half an hour, as Jamie continued to cry and whimper and sob in Phil’s hold.

“Papa?” she asked softly after her cries had finally subsided, her face still buried in Phil’s shirt.

Phil looked over at Dan with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, sweet pea?” he responded, hugging her close.

“You’re not really my mummy…”

Dan snorted and Phil looked over at him, smirking.

“That’s right, James,” Phil replied with a chuckle.

“But… you are a good mummy even dough you’re not a girl,” Jamie mumbled sleepily, her eyes beginning to close.

Both men tried to hold back their laughter as they put their daughter to bed. Tucking her in, they both pressed a kiss to her forehead and hoped she could falling asleep knowing how much her fathers loved her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! so sorry for this chapter being delayed. i've had a busy couple of weeks in my personal life and my backlog for this story finally ran out so... it took a while to finish writing this chapter. I hope it was worth the wait! <3

As Phil carefully closed Jamie’s bedroom behind them, he hoped he could call it a day. But, as Phil had come to expect from his life since he became a father, that was rarely the case anymore.

He could tell Dan was holding back frustration as they returned to their bedroom. The loving and gentle demeanor he had only moments ago quickly vanished once they left their daughter’s room. Phil could see it in the way Dan started to clench his jaw and hang his head down. There was something about to bubble up and all Phil could do was brace for impact.

“We could’ve been at A&E right now, you realise that, right?” Dan muttered. He sat forcefully down on the bed and dropped his head into his hands.

Phil approached him cautiously, taking a seat next to his husband and putting a shaky hand on his shoulder.

“Well… we’re not. You were there to catch her.” He spoke in a murmur, leaning into Dan’s side. His hand gripped his husband’s shoulder a little tighter, some reassurance he was still there.

But soon, Dan wasn’t. He shoved Phil off of him and rose to his feet, turning his back to him.

“ _ You _ were supposed to catch her.”

“Excuse me?” Phil stood up and grabbed Dan by his shoulders, forcing him to turn around and look him in the eye.

“She was running away from you towards an obviously dangerous situation but instead of preventing your own child from cracking her head open, you just… let her go?” Dan’s face was twisted up in anger, showing all the details of his age more harshly than Phil liked to see. The creases in his forehead were deep and the bags underneath his eyes made him look exhausted and a tad bit gaunt. Phil squeezed his eyes shut, partially to block out Dan’s horrified expression but mostly to hold back the tears that were beginning to form.

“She… she said she hated me, Dan. She’d never said that before,” Phil mumbled more to his hands that covered his face than to the man in front of him.

“She’s also four and has rubbish emotional control. And no matter what she says or how she acts, her safety is still our first priority. We’re her  _ parents _ , for fuck’s sake, even when she hurts our feelings. We still have to love her no matter what.”

“I  _ do _ love her, more than anything.” Phil took a gulp of air and looked up from his hands. “You do know that… don’t you?”

Dan took a quivering breath. He took a few steps to the door before he could let himself exhale. 

“Look, I think when your mum gets here, we should take some time off. Maybe go up north for a couple days, stay at a hotel in the countryside, just take a break from the whole dad thing—”

“I didn’t tell her.”

Phil could barely tell if his voice even made a sound. It was completely overpowered by his racing heart but, based on Dan’s expression, it seemed the message came through loud and clear.

“You didn’t tell her… about James?” Dan spoke cautiously, narrowing his eyes and taking a few slow steps back towards Phil.

“About the incident, no. She… well, she has no idea anything’s wrong.”

In the beat of silence that followed, Phil watched Dan’s face go through a journey of emotion. His brows knitted together in confusion, then raised in surprise, and finally creased together with fuming anger.

“Are you fucking  _ kidding _ me, Phil?! You think she’s not going to notice Jamie’s not going to school? Or is this all because you don’t want to admit our kid is out of control?”

Phil lay back on the bed with a huff. He closed his eyes shut again, some baseless hope that maybe he’d start magically disappearing into another dimension for the time being.

“I just… I dunno, I was just kinda hoping things could be  _ normal _ . Like, we could be a normal family whose kid doesn’t have any issues, like Jamie could just be—”

“Like she could be less like me.”

The two men stared at each other with anger, frustration, and distress in their eyes. Phil felt like he was frozen again, incapable of getting up and pulling Dan into his arms, unable to stop him from walking out that door.

And Dan knew that without any need for explanation because of course he did. So, all Phil could do was sit and watch his husband close their bedroom door behind him with what would certainly be a slam if not for the child sleeping next door.

…

Phil certainly hoped she was still sleeping. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if she heard the vitriol her fathers spat at each other, especially given the fact that they were talking about  _ her _ . Out of love, obviously, but with the ever unspoken acknowledgement that she was, well,  _ different _ . Not difficult, Phil had to remind himself, just different. At least, that’s what he had to tell himself at times like this.

And in times like this, he knew his sensitive little girl could use some affection before her capricious attitude could turn on him for the worse. So, he took a steadying breath and opened his bedroom door, quietly padding down the hall and placing a shaky hand on the doorknob to his daughter’s room. He stood there for a second, the only sounds he could hear being his unsteady breathing and the dull hum of the traffic outside. No audible crying was a good sign, Phil noted to himself. He just hoped he wouldn’t see her crying when he opened that door.

But, admittedly to his surprise, she wasn’t. When Phil slowly opened the door and peeked through the crack in the doorway, all he could see was peace on his daughter’s face. She was laying on her side, one chubby cheek pressed up against the pillow. In both arms, she held tight to Teddy, hugging him so close she was just about drooling on him. Phil giggled at the sight. He took a few slow and careful steps toward the bed and crouched down next to her, placing a gentle hand on her back to feel her breathing. It was slow and steady, thankfully, a contrast to the anxiety attacks of nights prior.

“Hey baby,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. The little girl didn’t respond with words, just a small, unconscious flicker of a smile. Phil breathed out a laugh. Rubbing her back and looking at her curled-up sleeping form, he remembered how little she still was. Sometimes, he forgot about that fact when things got tough, when she kicked and screamed and cried and making it seem like she genuinely hated him. But, recalling what Dan said, she obviously didn’t mean it. She was  _ four _ , just now learning how to deal with her emotions and get through the world with all the many feelings she was born with.

Still, Phil couldn’t help but miss the days when she was just a little baby, back when she was length of his forearm and fit snugly in his hold like she was meant to be there. Maybe she still was meant to be in his arms, even if she was a lot bigger than the crook of his arm now.

So, Phil gently lifted her from the bed and held her tightly to his chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of her stomach against his own. And, thankfully, she still fit into her father’s arm like the corresponding piece of a puzzle.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, it's been a while! sorry for the delay, I ran out of backlog then dan's book came out and my job started getting crazy and uh... kind of forgot about writing in the midst of all that. I'll try to keep this story updated more often, maybe a new chapter every one or two weeks depending on how my job and the world in general is.
> 
> also... this chapter made me change the tag from "light angst" to "angst". you've been warned.

Phil wasn’t sure what time it was when he finally awoke. Sunlight flowed into his daughter’s room but she was still sound asleep in his arms. With the young girl still suspended from school and both her fathers taking time off work to care for her, there were no longer the signposts of the family’s structured routine, nothing that marked the day or made it seem like time had any meaning. No alarm clocks blaring from the nightstand, no far-off sound of some musical number from a children’s program emanating from the lounge, no garage doors opening or car doors slamming shut or engines revving up in the drive. More startling than any cantankerous background noise was that unusual _silence._

It was like watching a family sitcom, packed with laughter and slapstick chaos, and accidentally pressing the mute button on the remote. Everything looked just the same as it always did, only with the soundtrack removed. When Jamie finally began to stir, her soft whimpers and whines seemed loud enough to fill the room.

“Papa?” she said with a puzzled expression, when her eyes finally opened and adjusted to the brightness of her bedroom. “What’re you doin’?”

Phil wasn’t entirely certain of how to answer his daughter’s question. His vague recollections of the night prior weren’t enough to explain why he ended up falling asleep in the little bed, the bed typically left to its single occupant on the rare good nights, the ones uninterrupted by wails and screams and infantile anxieties.

But last night wasn’t a good night by any stretch of the imagination. Phil’s hazy memory was quick to remind him of that.

_Like she could be less like me._

Dan’s voice echoed in his head, so loud that the little voice beside him was almost totally drowned out.

“Papa? Papa!”

“Hmm? What’s wrong, baby?” Phil was jolted out of his thoughts by her mewling and a little finger poking into his cheek.

“Why you in my bed? Daddy in your bed? He make me pancakes?”

Phil squeezed his always inquisitive little girl close to his chest.

“I just missed my little birdie, that’s why I’m here,” he said with a kiss pressed to her cheek and a tickling hand on her tummy that made her giggle and squeal. “It’s like when you sleep in Papa’s bed when you’re scared.”

Her giggles subsided at that addition. She looked up at him with big, soulful eyes and batted her long lashes a few times before she could find her words. 

“You scared, Papa? D’you haf a scary dream?” She pressed her teddy bear against his chest as a silent offering. 

Phil could have cried at the gesture if not for trying to maintain a scrap of composure in front of his child. He gratefully took the stuffed bear from her and hugged it close. Though it was now Jamie’s toy, he would always associate the old bear with Dan. He was, in some ways, to Phil what Teddy was to Jamie; soft and warm and comforting whenever he needed it most. Well, this was an exception, to say the least.

Phil wasn’t completely sure Dan was gone but he certainly didn’t want to assume he had stayed. He’d like to think Dan wouldn't have let him sleep all night in the little bed, or at least he would have joined him at some point in the night. He would hope there’d be at least a little noise coming from another room, Dan’s electric razor whirring, whatever alt-pop-punk music he was into at the moment playing from the kitchen, maybe even the bustling sounds of him making breakfast for his family. But the overpowering silence had Phil downright terrified.

“M’not scared, sweet pea,” Phil mumbled hesitantly. “Daddy and I just got a little angry at each other last night.”

“Dat why he yell at you?”

A shiver rushed down Phil’s spine. He cursed Dan for being incapable of being quiet when he got emotional.

“That happens sometimes when grown-ups get angry, sweetie—”

“Daddy still angry?” Jamie murmured, her face now buried in the fur of the old bear her father still clung to.

“Well, Daddy is… Daddy’s not…”

“...Daddy’s gone?” the little girl looked up at Phil with an expression that made his heart break. Her face had gone red and her eyes were on the verge of tearing up. She stared into Phil’s soul with a kind of desperation he had never seen in her before.

Phil couldn’t even bring himself to answer, not when that little face still staring up at him, that face that looked so much like his husband’s own, crumpled like a balled up piece of paper.

In an instant, her little body started shaking, trembling so hard Phil could barely keep hold of her.

“Y- y- y- you said, Papa!” she stuttered out through shallow, hiccuped breaths. “You s- s- said i- it was a dream!”

For a moment, Phil hadn’t the slightest idea what she meant, assuming her rational speech was starting to go as she entered this state. But then he remembered that _dream_ , the one that left her shaking and gasping for air just like this only a few nights ago. The dream where Jamie was alone and her fathers were gone and none of it was real, not yet.

“I know, baby, I know,” he soothed, slowly and softly. He started shushing her, loud and long into her ear just like he did when she was a tiny baby.

She didn’t seem at all comforted by his actions. He could feel her heart beat faster and faster and her lungs gasp for air. Phil felt like he was drowning, trying to hold on to his child, unsure if he was bringing her up to the surface or pulling her down into his own whirlpool of anxiety.

“ _Jamie_ ,” he said with a firm yet gentle voice. “Papa’s right here. I’m never going to leave you, bluebird. Never ever _ever_.”

“D- d- daddy left…”

Her voice was so soft amidst the harsh sounds of her breathing that Phil could barely make out what she said. But by the shattered look on her face, he put the pieces together.

“D- daddy left and he’s never coming back!” she wailed into her bear. “I w- want Daddy! D- don’t want _you!”_

_She’s just panicking. She’s just panicking and she doesn’t mean it._

Phil chanted this in his head over and over, trying desperately to block out any doubt of his abilities as a parent, though he still admitted to himself that Dan would be able to handle this much better than he currently was.

But Dan wasn’t here and Phil had to stop hoping he’d come back any minute. He couldn’t let his daughter go like he did last night, because no one would be there to swoop her up and keep her out of harm’s way.

_We’re her parents, for fuck’s sake, even when she hurts our feelings._

With Dan’s words once again echoing in mind, Phil sat up on the bed and settled Jamie, still breathlessly bawling and thrashing about, into his lap. He rubbed her shoulders and spoke in an even tone.

“Jameson. Look at me.”

Jamie went still and cautiously peered up at her father with reddened, teary eyes.

“I know you don’t feel okay right now, but I’m going to help you get through this and it will go away soon, _I promise_.” Phil rubbed her cheek with his thumb, brushing away a few excess tears. “Now, put your head on Papa’s chest.”

With the guidance of Phil’s gentle hands, she leaned her forehead against his chest, her curls bouncing toward him in the process. He placed a hand on the small of her back and pressed a kiss into her frizzy shock of hair then carefully cupped his other hand around the back of her head, holding her close.

“Can you hear my heart, baby?”

She nodded, her forehead brushing up against his jumper.

“Good. Now I need you to start counting my heartbeats and do a nice big inhale while you count. Let’s try to breathe in for five beats, yeah?”

After a moment of silence, Jamie began to count, her voice still wobbly as she spoke.

“One… Two… Fwee… Four… Five.”

“Good, now we’re going to eight beats as we let that big breath out.”

“One… Two… Fwee… Four… Five… Six… Seven… Eight.”

“You’re doing so good, baby. So, so good.” Phil rubbed her back soothingly as they began the next inhale.

…

After what felt like hours of counting and breathing, Phil felt his little girl finally relax into his arms. Her breathing had evened out and the tears on her face had finally dried. He moved her head away from his chest just enough so he could look down into her eyes.

“We feeling a little better, hm?” he said softly.

She gave him a small smile but her eyes still contained a deep sadness that caused a pang in Phil’s heart.

“Daddy still gone?”

Phil let out a sigh, long and deep and almost mournful, and hugged his daughter close.

“He’ll find his way back home soon, little bird. He always does.”

**Author's Note:**

> Side note! While writing this series, I'll also be publishing smaller timestamp fics set between the end of the previous story and the beginning of this one. I'm hoping to write those based on audience suggestions SO if you have any ideas of any events you'd like to read about, such as dnp preparing for their first baby or milestones of Jamie's first few years, let me know! You can reach out to me on tumblr ([@plinth-of-life](https://plinth-of-life.tumblr.com)) or leave a comment down below!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


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